


crush culture

by illay



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Confessions, Friends to Lovers, M/M, jaewoo - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-11 06:20:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20149057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illay/pseuds/illay
Summary: “To my dearest hyung,” Taeil reads the contents of his Valentine’s card out loud for all of their friends to laugh at. Jungwoo meets his gaze and snickers along with him, one corner of Taeil’s mouth lifts in a small, almost private smile. “It’s been several years since you’ve been on my mind; always by my side, taking care of me since middle school like the good hyung you are. I hope to also grow up to be so reliable one day, so hyung can also lean on me. Thank you in advance for treating your favorite dongsaeng to a good meal! -Jungwoo.”“Ahh, Jungwoo,” Johnny coos at him, ruffles his hair playfully. Jungwoo’s attention is still on Taeil though. “That was a really nice thing to write for Taeil. Wasn’t it?” Johnny addresses the last bit to the recipient of the card.





	crush culture

**Author's Note:**

> this whole thing happened only because kim jungwoo decided to smooch moon taeil's cheek one day on the capilano suspension bridge.  
and because we joked with emma that jungil would be perfect characters for the otp meme; A: "i love you", B: "is that a band?"  
rest is history.

⛅

Patience’s never been Jungwoo’s strongest suit. Among his friends, he’s been known to always go after what he wanted right away. Whether it was getting a number of his first crush in junior high, or it was learning a new skill - constructing layer cakes at the age of 16, just for the fuck of it. Jungwoo just went for it.

There’s been only one thing he’s been patiently staving off. Idolizing your older friends can have that effect, one older friend in particular. It’s just a harmless crush after all. He feels like the best he can do is maybe drop a hint or two towards said older friend.

One of the last bits of Jungwoo’s patience evaporates one Valentine’s day, though. They all drew a secret Valentine among their group of friends; with Johnny, Taeyong, Mark, Donghyuck and Taeil. Each having to write a card to one of the other guys; tradition that came into existence when a few of them complained they never got any valentines two years ago (Johnny and Donghyuck). It’s nothing serious, some have imagination so scarce (Mark), that their card is just a public intervention pamphlet targeted at whoever they picked. Others simply go for big bold lettering of “You’re okay I guess.”, “Good luck in college.” and so on.

All six of them are sitting squished in one booth at a downtown diner - Taeil’s part time job. It must be a special occasion for him to be willing to come in on his day off. A group activity such as Moping Valentines definitely counts.

They finished their food, trays and empty bowls piled at the edge of the table; bread crumbs and pieces of fries all over the place. As the valentines are being read, Taeyong takes a napkin and starts absentmindedly wiping off the tabletop.

Jungwoo’s card gets read as the last one. He’s always been one of the more affectionate ones among them.

“To my dearest hyung,” Taeil reads the contents of his Valentine’s card out loud for all of their friends to laugh at. Jungwoo meets his gaze and snickers along with him, one corner of Taeil’s mouth lifts in a small, almost private smile. “It’s been several years since you’ve been on my mind; always by my side, taking care of me since middle school like the good hyung you are. I hope to also grow up to be so reliable one day, so hyung can also lean on me. Thank you in advance for treating your favorite dongsaeng to a good meal! -Jungwoo.”

“Ahh, Jungwoo,” Johnny coos at him, ruffles his hair playfully. Jungwoo’s attention is still on Taeil though. “That was a really nice thing to write for Taeil. Wasn’t it?” Johnny addresses the last bit to the recipient of the card.

Taeil’s lips quirk into a small smile, eyes finally tearing away from the card in his hands, his gaze flicks to Jungwoo for a second before he responds to Johnny, “Yeah. Really nice. As always, Jungwoo is able to slap together some warm-sounding words to get himself a free meal,” saying that, Taeil watches Jungwoo again, half-smirk still playing at his lips. Jungwoo is almost sure the blush in his cheeks is visible as strongly as it feels.

⛅

“I think you should tell him.” Johnny has always been really skilled at good, old-fashioned confrontation. Usually hitting Jungwoo with it out of the blue. Thankfully, usually when it is just the two of them, mercifully not embarrassing him in front of others, in front of Taeil. This time he speaks up on their way to the subway.

Jungwoo just scowls at him, “You were there, weren’t you? I literally wrote it all down for him.”

“Well,” Johnny starts, “To be fair, you wrote your confession into a valentine’s card-”

“Which is the most romantic way possible? Yes. What is your point?” Jungwoo says with a pout.

“Valentine’s card,” Johnny goes on, ignoring Jungwoo’s interruption, “that’s been read out loud as a joke in front of everyone. Because everyone, except you, took it as the joke it is.”

Jungwoo hums, frowning into the ground.

“Trust me, you need to be more direct with hyung.”

⛅

Patience has never been Jungwoo’s strongest suit.

“Thank you for the meal,” Jungwoo beams at Taeil as they’re sitting down with their food at the hole-in-the-wall restaurant.

Taeil avoids Jungwoo’s gaze, scoffing lightly, “Stop that. You don’t have to act cutesy anymore, I paid already, didn’t I?”

Jungwoo pouts a bit obnoxiously, to get Taeil to definitely notice him, “I never have to act cute, hyung. I just am cute, haven’t you noticed?”

Taeil finally looks up as he’s setting up to dig in, sends Jungwoo an entertained smile, “Of course I noticed.”

Jungwoo lets smugness show on his face, “Good. It would be a shame if my cuteness went to waste.”

“You should be careful. In certain types of people, cuteness can be a dangerous weapon.”

“Certain types?” Jungwoo asks through a mouthful of noodles, “Am I dangerous, you think?”

Taeil regards him carefully, chewing on some side dish, “You could be. To some people, definitely. Once you set your mind on wooing someone, they’ll stand no chance.”

Jungwoo helplessly watches Taeil stuffing his face with a fist-sized dumpling, “We’ll have to see about that.”

⛅

It’s an ordinary Friday at Taeyong’s place. His parents are out of town, so he decides to host a sleepover. A sleepover, not a party, because Taeyong is a good boy and only actually invites over his closest friends; Johnny, Taeil, Mark, Donghyuck and Jungwoo.

Movies and pizza, Taeyong advertised. And Taeyong always delivers. 

Donghyuck and Mark are squeezing in a big armchair, but they never cared about personal space, not with each other at least. It’s obvious Donghyuck isn’t even paying attention to the movie and just dozes off with his face against Mark’s neck right away. Seeing the light smile on Mark’s face as his fingers run lazily and absentmindedly through Donghyuck’s hair makes something in Jungwoo’s gut clench.

He quickly averts his gaze to Taeil sitting next to him on the floor leaning against the couch. A simple thing as seeing Taeil’s side profile in the low lighting of the tv can again bring a smile to Jungwoo’s face without any problem. It’s just the way things have always been, since Jungwoo’s been 14; being in Taeil’s company is the safe, good space. Maybe with passing time, there have been other feelings finding their way into Jungwoo’s heart as well, but he isn’t going to let those ruin a perfectly good Friday with his friends.

There is a B-class slasher playing on the tv in front of them, no one is probably paying their full attention to it. Jungwoo has a feeling this sort of movie was picked on purpose, pointedly because it requires little to no attention. 

Jungwoo can’t make out the full conversation happening above them on the couch between Johnny and Taeyong, but he hears Johnny mention the name Doyoung at which Taeyong grumbles miserably. A heavy sigh from Taeyong later and Johnny is playing footsie with him again, trying to make him laugh with some silly antics.

Jungwoo leans closer to Taeil, ready to make him pay attention to him in any form; he gets greedy like that sometimes. Just in that moment, Taeil tears his gaze away from the movie - just in time for a jump scare, resulting in them knocking their foreheads together. Jungwoo scoots back laughing, clutching his head, Taeil’s smile is kind on his lips, as always. He reaches out to hold Jungwoo’s side of the head, asks a soft, “Are you okay?”

Jungwoo’s world halts for half a second, a bad movie playing as the background noise, colors flashing across Taeil’s face, Jungwoo’s full attention on the square inch of skin-on-skin contact behind his ear where Taeil is touching him.

“Fine,” he manages to squeal out breathlessly.

Taeil gifts him one more small smile before he turns his attention back to the tv, hand dropping from Jungwoo’s personal space.

A few seconds pass before Jungwoo manages to get himself together, he leans back against the couch. It’s silly, what kind of acrobatics his heart does in his chest whenever Taeil is in close proximity, a simple touch and a split second of his attention renders Jungwoo useless. 

He would swear he used to be well equipped to spend time around Taeil, it was just Johnny’s stupid comment after Valentine’s that got Jungwoo thinking more and more about Taeil, in new concepts, nothing else. It’s been weeks and Jungwoo’s been itching for a confession, to get a release out of his new-found misery.

Being amazingly subtle, copying some romantic comedies he’s watched, Jungwoo goes for a classic yawn and stretch - putting an arm around Taeil’s shoulders, not touching him, just keeping close. Jungwoo waits patiently for Taeil to notice, which doesn’t take too long, the older boy turns to him with a somewhat questioning gaze. Jungwoo lets a playful smirk settle comfortably on his lips - should Taeil figure out Jungwoo's intentions, Jungwoo wouldn't be mad. Jungwoo's eyes flick back and forth between the tv and Taeil’s face before he leans closer to him, “Say, hyung, you think the main couple will make it out alive?”

Taeil pretends to give it some thought, it has to be obvious to him Jungwoo doesn’t really give a fuck about the movie protagonists and just wanted to get Taeil’s attention and reaction. Taeil indulges him, as he always does, “I hope they do. Don’t they deserve a happy end?” he shoots back with a smile.

“Happy end?” Jungwoo sounds shocked. “Hyung,” he starts, feigning distress, “They already lost like two or three of their friends to the serial killer. How can this be a happy end?”

Taeil reaches for more popcorn and turns back to the tv, doesn’t scoot back, away from Jungwoo, settles under his arm instead. “As long as they have each other, or?” he raises one eyebrow as he turns halfway back to Jungwoo, finding him again an inch closer.

Jungwoo freezes, being this close to Taeil, just whispering things back and forth during movie nights is something they used to do when he was younger, back in high school. Now it seems bigger, like it is carrying a looming cloud of self-doubt above Jungwoo. No matter how bright he appears on the outside, he always takes a second or two to collect himself before speaking around Taeil. In a small voice he says, “It’s like saying as long as I have you it’s a happy end, even if a serial killer was to murder all our other friends.”

Jungwoo feels like Taeil’s gaze lingers on his face a beat longer than it’s supposed to before he speaks up in the smallest whisper, “Yeah, you’re right, that would be awful.” It seems like Taeil actually settles against Jungwoo’s side more comfortably now, like he doesn’t mind Jungwoo being so close. With his gaze back to the screen he adds, “Without Johnny we’d have no one to drive us around, truly awful.”

Jungwoo’ shoulders shake with laughter and he tries to muffle it against Taeil’s hair, turning towards him slightly, “Truly awful.” Something about being so close to Taeil is the same amount of comforting and easy as it is nerve-wrecking; being pulled towards him but at the same time trying to keep his distance. It’s a balance Jungwoo very easily loses lately.

⛅

Donghyuck and Mark disappear into the guestroom before the movie even ends, no one else is eager to follow them although there’s place for three people in the room, an unspoken agreement suggests they’re gonna get their privacy. 

The movie is over, autoplay on netflix starting up another film of similar genre. Taeyong and Johnny both disappeared into the kitchen, talking in low voices; Taeyong likes to get the kitchen cleaned up before turning in for the night.

It’s just Taeil and Jungwoo in the living room. They could follow Taeyong’s example and also clean up, get the couch ready to sleep on. But it’s late and Jungwoo’s eyelids are drooping and, somehow, Taeil isn’t moving and so Jungwoo stays pinned in place as well, shoulder lightly touching Taeil’s.

“Hyung,” Jungwoo speaks up suddenly, almost startling himself as well. It’s just the sleepiness in his brain making his mouth loose. “I wanted to say,” he trails off, not looking up at Taeil.

The smile in Taeil’s voice is audible, “Yeah?” He always smiles in Jungwoo’s direction; or maybe that’s just Jungwoo’s wishful thinking.

Jungwoo wants to take it back, at the back of his mind he’s aware a confession needs to be better timed and calculated. But the forefront of his mind is decided - he can do this.

“I wanted to say I really like you. Really, really like you. And it would be really cool if you could also like me. Maybe, one day. I know you could! I just think you need to decide to do so, you know?” He’s slightly rambling, but at the same time, it’s all true. Taeil definitely likes spending time with him, so catching feelings surely can’t be too far off. After all, that’s how it started for Jungwoo as well - enjoying Taeil’s company, until it grew into thinking of Taeil and hoping to spend time with him above anyone else.

“What are you saying?” Taeil’s voice comes out raspy, heavy with sleepiness, as if he’s just been woken up.

“I like you. Is what I said. I like you, Taeil-hyung.” Jungwoo looks at him head-on, brows drawn together in a slight frown, no backing down now.

Taeil’s lips spread into a smile, eyes hiding in crescents, “Ah, Jungwoo, always so cute when you’re sleepy.” The dismissal in Taeil’s words cuts deeper than Jungwoo is willing to admit in that moment, “It would suck if you didn’t like me. We’re friends, right? I like my friends, too.”

“Right.” Jungwoo heaves a sigh.

⛅

He’s getting ice cream and milkshakes one day after classes with Johnny, Taeil and Taeyong. Taeil’s treat.

Loud enough for Taeil to hear, Jungwoo says to Johnny over ice-cream as they’re walking downtown, fighting the merciless sun, “Isn’t Taeil-hyung simply the sweetest, though?”

It appears to Jungwoo that Taeil tries to hide a smile in his ice-cream, but that’s not really a response to anything.

“Here!” Jungwoo shoves his ice cream in front of Taeil’s face. “Berries and pina colada! Try some.” 

Taeil is giving him a confused squint, but probably seeing Jungwoo’s big happy smile makes him oblige. “Thanks,” he utters, not looking at Jungwoo, before getting a bite of the ice cream. 

“Thank you for paying, hyung,” Jungwoo beams at him before smooching his cheek out of the blue, a little smacking sound escaping him. 

Taeil pretends to be annoyed, trying to wipe his cheek against his shoulder. But his face betrays the giddiness when he looks at Jungwoo and breathes out a laugh.

Neither Taeyong nor Johnny pay any attention to Jungwoo kissing Taeil, it’s almost daily occurrence that Jungwoo flaunts affection at his friends, after all.

Jungwoo feels like Taeil doesn't pay it any mind either, though. That pulls his spirits down a little.

⛅

Another day Jungwoo finds himself on his way to the diner Taeil works at, late shift today. Taeil greets him with a smile and within five minutes he walks out over to him, taking a break, as he always does when Jungwoo comes in. “What brings you here so late on a Thursday? Felt like distracting me from work again?”

“Just missed you, I guess,” Jungwoo says around a straw, sipping on his orange juice.

He only gets a smile in response.

And maybe that needs to be enough.

⛅

It’s scorching hot and Jungwoo gets to hang out with Johnny, Taeyong and Taeil after their classes again. Tuesdays are great because all their schedules end at two pm, but also it’s terrible, because the heat outside is frying Jungwoo’s brain.

“Anyone going to the party Yuta is hosting over the weekend?” Johnny asks, electric hand-fan pointed at his own face. Jungwoo has met Yuta before, but mostly knows of him from Johnny’s stories, they used to be roommates in freshman year and still keep in touch, although they both have their own circles of friends.

Taeyong sighs, as if about to whine about something. Johnny chides him immediately, “You are going, mister. I don’t need to listen to this whining all summer long. You know Yuta is friends with Doyoung, so he’ll definitely show up.”

“Why is it important this Doyoung guy shows up?” Taeil asks conversationally.

“Taeyong is in love but refuses to do anything about it.”

“Shut up, oh my god, you’re annoying.” Taeyong pouts, a frown on his brows, but it doesn’t sound like he’s annoyed at all, maybe a little embarrassed.

“I’m just saying,” Johnny continues, “If you’d actually bother to talk to him, he’d be all yours. Probably. Maybe. Either way, just watching him from across the hallways at school will not get you a boyfriend.”

“Yeah,” Taeil sides with Johnny, “If you like someone, you have to tell them. How else is this boy of your dreams supposed to know he could have you, if you keep quiet?”

Jungwoo watches Taeil from behind his sunglasses, sucking on his fruit smoothie through a straw, marveling at the absurdity of Taeil encouraging anyone to confess.

⛅

Jungwoo was supposed to go with Mark and Donghyuck to the party, but they both cancelled on him at the last possible minute, leaving him on his own. Jungwoo briefly debates whether he should go or just stay home. The end of the semester is really close and he’s wanted to experience at least one more party with all of them, this being Taeil’s senior year and all.

So Jungwoo turns up at the address of this Yuta guy on his own, he mingles for a while, unable to spot any familiar faces. There’s plenty of people, but it isn’t crowded like some of the other house parties in the suburbs Jungwoo’s been to. The flat seems big, two floors, a big open space living-room and balcony overlooking the town. 

Before he manages to get lost in the sea of new faces, he bumps into Yuta and his best friend, Doyoung - Jungwoo can objectively understand why Taeyong would be intimidated to approach him; his gaze is cold, but his gums show as he smiles, and is over all a bit too beautiful to look at straight on.

Later, pushing a drink into Jungwoo’s hand, Yuta introduces him to a boy with the nicest dimples, washed out pink hair falling into his eyes.

“Jaehyun! Over here! Look, you’re not the youngest here anymore.” Yuta beams at him, dragging Jungwoo by his elbow to Jaehyun. To Jungwoo he asks, “You said you were 21, right?”

Jungwoo just nods, shaking Jaehyun’s hand, the smile that rides Jaehyun's cheeks up, hiding his eyes, might be sweeter than the sugary drink in Jungwoo’s hold. Jungwoo finds it easy to smile back at him.

⛅

Talking to Jaehyun is easy. Jungwoo feels like everything Jaehyun does is borderline flirtatious but he doesn’t go overboard. Jaehyun tells him right off the bat to drop honorifics with him, “I’d rather have someone my age here than get you to speak formally to me.”

It seems like a strange request, but Jungwoo is glad, he also struggles with this in their friends group. Speaking informally allows Jungwoo to get attached to Jaehyun easier, much quicker.

⛅

They keep talking and drinking. Jaehyun is on some sports team at their university, he gets really smiley after a second drink and he also smells faintly of some lavender fabric softener. That’s as much as Jungwoo manages to learn about him before he gets distracted.

He gets a glimpse of Johnny in the crowd, “Oh!” Jungwoo looks at Jaehyun, halting whatever he was saying with fingertips at his forearm, “I should go say hi to my friends, so they know I actually showed up.” And with a be right back, he leaves.

Jungwoo finds Johnny heading over to Taeyong and Taeil outside, just by the balcony door. Jungwoo gets out and the fresh air hits him differently, letting a small tipsy windwhirl rage in his head for a second.

“Hi!” he exclaims. All three of them turn to him, humored scowl on Taeyong’s face, kind smile on Taeil’s.

“Jungwoo, I thought you wouldn’t show up,” Johnny throws an arm around his shoulder to pull him closer, looking around, he asks, “Where are Mark and Donghyuck?”

“Oh, they cancelled,” Jungwoo says into his third drink, or fourth? It might be fourth, he lost count.

“Huh, been drinking on your own then?” Jungwoo doesn’t see this but Johnny and Taeyong exchange something akin to a worried look; Taeil’s eyes are on Jungwoo still.

“No,” he admits in a small voice, as if he was coming forward with a crime, “Yuta introduced me to his friends. I was with Jaehyun.”

Johnny ruffles his hair, completely ruining his carefully constructed effortlessly looking tousle, “Good boy.”

Jungwoo can’t help but keep his eyes on Taeil who is giving him somewhat of a curious look.

⛅

Taeyong and Johnny slip back indoors soon, Taeil looks back after their retreating backs, “Let’s hope Taeyong will score tonight?”

“Hyung!” Jungwoo doesn’t hide his shock at the choice of vocabulary.

“I meant a phone number, geez, Jungwoo, get your head out of the gutter. I hope it goes well and he’ll be able to talk more with this Doyoung boy of his.” Taeil laughs before he sips from his drink, leaning forward against the railing. Jungwoo gets to watch the late night breeze play with his hair and he itches to let his hand do the same.

“It isn’t as easy, I guess.”

“What isn’t?” Taeil looks back at him, their elbows knocking together.

“Confessing to liking someone. Some people need it really spelled out for them and that’s exhausting, you know?”

Taeil hums, looking back at Jungwoo, “You have someone on your mind?”

This is an opportunity like no other and yet, Jungwoo struggles, “I- I. Yes, yeah, sure!”

Taeil looks back out at the cityscape, “Then you should just do it. Go ahead. Just try it.”

Jungwoo touches Taeil’s elbow lightly, just to get him to look at him. A few beats of heavy silence between them later, Jungwoo starts, “I like you. You’re the one I’ve liked. And I’ve told you before, but you pretend to be deaf when it comes to me.” Jungwoo is aware of the pout on his lips, and the tears prickling at the back of his eyes, the strain getting the best of him.

Taeil smiles at him, kind and patient, as always, and Jungwoo wants to scream.

“That’s nice.” Taeil concludes after a few moments, looking back out at the cityscape. 

Jungwoo wants to punch him. “Nice?” the frustration probably evident in his voice at this point.

“It sounds good. Believable. Whoever you address that to, will get it,” Taeil says.

Jungwoo collapses a little against Taeil, forehead connecting with his shoulder, “Taeil-hyung,” he whines.

It seems like a prank, like teasing, because Taeil pats Jungwoo’s back soothingly, as if he was understanding of the struggles Jungwoo is going through. Jungwoo is half-expecting a Punk’d crew to jump out from behind the corner with cameras at this point.

“You’re drunk, though.” Taeil whispers against Jungwoo’s hair. “Maybe it’s not the right time to be confessing to anyone, huh?”

⛅

All patience gone from his system, Jungwoo escapes from the balcony as soon as Johnny gets back from his matchmaking mission. Leaving behind a quickly cooling spot against Taeil's shoulder where he’s been leaning, Jungwoo runs indoors, just barely not pushing a startled Jaehyun to the ground.

“Hey there, careful, you okay?” Jaehyun catches him by the elbow not about to let him fall on his dumb ass. He laughs, bright and happy, eyes hidden by those plump cheeks of his.

The alcohol in Jungwoo’s blood makes everything much more emotionally charged than it needs to be and he just looks up at Jaehyun and his voice gets stuck in his throat, breaking, as he tries to say, “Needed to get out of there, I guess.”

Jaehyun’s smile half-drops as he looks back in the direction from which Jungwoo’s ran. He looks back to Jungwoo, unable to catch his gaze as he’s looking into the ground between them. “People usually run outside at parties. To get some air or something like that. Not indoors.” He looks at Jungwoo better now, Jungwoo lifts his gaze and lets Jaehyun see his eyes, half there to the point of crying. “You sure you’re fine, Jungwoo?”

Jaehyun’s voice is soft, soothing. Jungwoo wants to say something, but he knows he would probably start bawling for real if he spoke again so he just nods a few times.

“Come on,” Jaehyun speaks in a small, careful voice, leading Jungwoo out of the living room, hand at the small of his back.

They spend some time sitting at the top of the stairs, above the whole party. Jungwoo just sits there in silence, drinking more, just nodding along to whatever Jaehyun is saying at most. And Jaehyun lets him. It’s curious to Jungwoo why he would be so nice, but he’s counting his blessings at a shitty night like this.

⛅

In the morning, without the alcohol in his body, he doesn’t even properly remember what made him so upset at the party. Was it the way certain steel railing was digging into his forearms, or the way the wind blew against Taeil’s hair, or - oh, Taeil. Right. 

He again pretended Jungwoo was irrelevant, feigned deafness when Jungwoo was trying to be direct. Maybe there is truly no hope, after all.

Jungwoo feels for his phone under his pillow to check the time. His lockscreen is a blurry selfie with a pretty smiley pink-haired boy.

Jungwoo rolls back onto his back with the phone in his hands, actually laughs, remembering taking the selfies with Jaehyun at the top of the staircase; both a few drinks beyond drunk, Jaehyun pulled out his phone to ask for Jungwoo’s number. Something about the clumsy, almost-shy way Jaehyun was asking for it made Jungwoo take one of the flirtiest selfies he’s ever taken and save his number under it.

More selfies followed, on Jaehyun’s and Jungwoo’s phones alike. The particular one on Jungwoo’s lockscreen was taken by Jaehyun, cheeks squished against each other, right before Jungwoo nuzzled into the side of his head. Spending time with Jaehyun was really easy, at least under the influence of alcohol.

Jungwoo wonders how would spending time with Jaehyun sober go.

Jungwoo:  
hey, u up? up for some late breakfast?

Jaehyun:  
its too late even for brunch lmao. but sure.

hahah  
And in a few hours Jungwoo finds out that spending time with Jaehyun is just as easy without drinking.

⛅

"I had no idea there are actual showcases like this in uni as well," Jaehyun says as they're getting to their seats in the auditorium. The lights are about to dim soon and Jungwoo and Jaehyun find their spots near Mark, Johnny and Taeyong.

"Isn't Doyoung in most of these?" Jungwoo asks, confused how come Jaehyun wouldn't know about the showcases.

"I mean. I knew he sings, but he never asked us to come to his things before," he shrugs.

"Well, you'll see then! You'll also hear Taeil-hyung sing, he has a solo again, too," Jungwoo announces proudly.

From the row in front of them Mark turns around and loudly clears his throat.

"Ah, right," Jungwoo adds, "Also Donghyuck, Mark's… best friend?" Jungwoo offers carefully, unsure of what Donghyuck is to Mark in terms of labels.

"Boyfriend now, actually," Mark corrects him, head ducked down.

"Oh. Okay, cool, yeah. Mark's boyfriend. We always come to support him and Taeil-hyung." Jungwoo explains cheerfully.

⛅

Donghyuck performs with a group of other freshmen, and even looking at Mark from the side, Jungwoo can see his cheeks lifting up during Donghyuck's solo. Jungwoo can very easily imagine the heart-eyes Mark is sporting right now, looking at his boyfriend. Finding out they are officially together, somehow doesn’t faze Jungwoo at all. 

Mark and Donghyuck have simply always belonged together. That’s how Jungwoo got to know them, best friends who seemed awfully close. In a way, seeing Mark and Donghyuck being friends but borderline more, was one of the things that helped Jungwoo realize his feelings for Taeil - it helped normalize romantic feelings developing from pure friendship. It’s happened to Mark and Donghyuck, it’s happened to Jungwoo and Taeil - or at least to Jungwoo.

Doyoung has a joint stage with another student, Kun - according to Johnny who’s the only one who’s bothered to read the pamphlet. By the end of their number, Jungwoo would promise he could see Taeyong’s eyes glazing over with some suppressed tears. That hyung’s always been more emotional than people give him credit for - Taeyong might be the softest man Jungwoo knows; crying at Zootopia and then when he hears his crush sing.

A few numbers in the showcase later, Taeil’s solo blows every other participant out of the water, at least in Jungwoo’s opinion. He’s no expert on singing, but he’s kind of an expert on Taeil, and this has been his best showcase performance yet. So many earnest and sad emotions in mere two and a half minutes of singing. At least Jungwoo could feel every square inch of his skin prickle with goosebumps; the pain in Taeil’s voice moving his soul at its very core, so easily and effortlessly.

By the end of the song, Jungwoo springs into a standing ovation without really planning to, without really caring that it's not customary to do so at these showcases. But just one glimpse at Taeil’s satisfied face up on the stage is enough to bring him to his feet, smiling wide, clapping loudly; eyes locking with Taeil’s for a second and Jungwoo hopes he’s seeing it right - he can see Taeil smile back a bit shyly.

The applause goes on also after Taeil leaves the stage and the smile isn’t leaving Jungwoo’s face. From the corner of his eye he gets a glimpse of Jaehyun, sitting in the seat next to him, smiling up at him politely when their gazes meet.

⛅

“Hyung, you were great!” Mark’s booming voice sounds as Taeil appears in front of the auditorium for the post-show kiss-and-cry. Taeil smiles sheepishly to himself, always humbly receiving the praise.

Donghyuck is already under Mark’s arm, keeping close to him, but his tongue is still loose as always, “Yeah, hyung, you were pretty good. Can’t believe they let you out on the stage on your own. Wasn’t the mentor kind of nervous you would cry also live like you did during the rehearsals?” 

Taeil reaches out to ruffle his hair maybe a bit too roughly, “Hey, cut that out,” Taeil is smiling wide so it’s all good, Jungwoo figures and tries not to imagine Taeil tearing up in rehearsal.

Their eyes meet and Jungwoo is only capable of a bright smile and “You sang beautifully, hyung.”

Taeil returns the smile, “Thanks,” he says as his eyes flick between Jungwoo and Jaehyun.

“Oh!,” Jungwoo gets back to his senses and pulls Jaehyun closer by the forearm, “This is Jaehyun - Yuta’s friend, from the party, remember? Jaehyun, this is Taeil-hyung.”

Jungwoo feels like he can sense the two of them looking each other up and down an eternity longer than would be considered normal when meeting a friend of a friend for the first time.

⛅

Community college showcases are usually meant for parents, but from their friends group only Donghyuck's parents show up to each - his mom being very supportive of her son's artistic endeavors. Donghyuck and Mark are going to dinner with Donghyuck's parents, which wouldn’t be anything unusual, but this might be the first family dinner after Mark and Donghyuck officially got together - thus, Mark gets fidgety, as fresh boyfriends do in front of the family. 

Johnny stops Doyoung as he’s exiting the auditorium, calls him over to their little group, pulling him into conversation with Taeyong.

As they are all saying goodbye to Mark and Donghyuck, Jungwoo can see the slightly nervous look on Mark's face. He sees Taeil reach out to pat his shoulder and smile at him reassuringly, uttering some words of encouragement. Jungwoo's chest seizes slightly.

Again, from the corner of his eye, he spots Jaehyun looking at him with this sombre expression. 

"What?" Jungwoo turns to him, happy grin on his face.

Jaehyun laughs slightly, "Nothing, nothing. All good."

"Cool," he responds with a smile. To the whole remaining group he asks, "Anyone going for waffles as always?" Again turning to Jaehyun and also Doyoung, Jungwoo clarifies, "We always go for waffles after Taeil-hyung's recitals. Donghyuck's always off with his parents. And Mark now, too, apparently."

"We can count also Doyoung now, right?" Johnny suggests, looking back at Doyoung.

Doyoung just smiles a bit shyly, showing his teeth, cheeks lifting. Taeyong beside him nods along to Johnny's suggestion vehemently, encouraging Jungwoo and Taeil to agree. They do so without thinking twice.

"Great! The gang's growing, let's go then!" Johnny says and leads the way.

⛅

As it turns out, Doyoung and Jaehyun fit right in with their group. They don’t even need to find a bigger booth at the Waffle House, as Mark and Donghyuck are missing, so with Doyoung and Jaehyun their numbers are again full.

“Donghyuck mentioned you bawled in rehearsal,” Johnny says to Taeil through a smirk after swallowing a big chunk of strawberry waffle with syrup dripping everywhere.

Jungwoo’s attention piques, watching Taeil from the corner of his eye.

Taeil smiles around his own food, “I didn’t bawl, okay?” he rolls his eyes, “I might have teared up a little when reading the translation of the song.”

“Sure, sure. You’re a softie,” Johnny nudges his shoulder a little and Taeil’s gaze catches on Jungwoo’s for a second, exchanging somewhat private smiles.

The conversation is easy enough to follow; Johnny asks Doyoung how long he’s been into singing - basically his whole life, Taeil asks what Jaehyun does - his major and extracurriculars - business major, plays baseball for their college team. Right, baseball, Jungwoo’s definitely heard that before.

By the end of the late lunch, Doyoung ends up talking with Taeyong and Taeil the most while Johnny interrogates Jaehyun, who seems to be scooting closer and closer to Jungwoo everytime Johnny asks him anything. If Jungwoo minded physical touch, he’d find this annoying, but he just stays put at the end of the bench and calmly welcomes Jaehyun in his personal space.

⛅

“Listen,” Jungwoo throws an arm around Jaehyun’s shoulders as they’re walking back to campus, all their hyungs a few paces in front of them. Jaehyun throws him a curious look, Jungwoo just smiles, “I was just wondering, what’s Doyoung’s deal?”

Jaehyun frowns with a confused expression, “His deal?”

“Yeah,” Jungwoo’s voice is light, simple curiosity lacing it, “Like, is he into guys at all, you think?”

The confusion on Jaehyun’s face deepens, “You into him, or something?”

“What? No, no, no. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I am not straight,-”

“I figured,” Jaehyun says with a small scoff, lighthearted. Jungwoo pretends to be shocked.

“Anyway, no. I’m not into him,” Jungwoo just shrugs, giving Jaehyun a cheeky smile, “I was just wondering, for scientific purposes.”

Jaehyun scoffs, “Scientific purposes, namely Lee Taeyong, huh? Those two are into each other, it’s gonna happen sooner or later.”

“You think so?” Jungwoo’s smile is genuine this time, happiness lifting his cheeks.

Jaehyun smiles at him, all soft, “Yeah, dude, if I have to listen to Doyoung one more fucking time about the pretty physics major, I’m gonna lose it probably.”

“Yes!” Jungwoo calls triumphantly, “I knew it!”

Jaehyun just hums by his side, looking him up and down from up close, still under Jungwoo’s arm, “You really care about them, right? Your friends, I mean.”

Jungwoo lets a small laugh escape him, shoulders shaking with it, shrugging a little he says, “Yeah, sure. I want them all to be happy.”

“Sometimes, that could become a disadvantage,” Jaehyun says in a small voice, as if not meant for Jungwoo to hear at all.

“What?” Jungwoo stops mid-step.

Just in that very second, Johnny calls from the front, “Jungwoo! Could you get over here a second?” 

Jungwoo can see Taeil by Johnny’s side; immediately he takes his arm off Jaehyun’s shoulder and with a be right back, sprints up front to them.

⛅

In the next week, Taeil, Taeyong and Johnny are busy with their final projects and whatnot - Jungwoo isn’t paying enough attention when his friends talk about school to actually know. All he knows is that he’s spending his afternoons with Jaehyun.

Jungwoo:  
wanna come over to mine and watch smth? its too hot for hanging out outside x_x

Jaehyun:  
last class ends at 4pm, i’ll show up!!

“I got us some snacks,” Jaehyung shows up at Jungwoo’s dorm room before 4pm, holding up a black plastic bag.

Jungwoo makes way for him to enter, “Thought you said your class ends at four?”

Jaehyun throws himself onto Jungwoo’s bed, settling in comfortably - lucky guess picking his bed over his roommate’s. He shrugs and says, “Eh, it was getting too long and boring. Can’t stand things that bore me.”

Jungwoo scoffs, “Scoot over,” he says taking out his laptop, starting up a show to watch right away, “And let’s hope I won’t be too boring, otherwise you’ll run out on me.”

A light punch to Jungwoo’s shoulder, “Shut up. You know that’s not what I meant.”

With a wide smile spreading on his lips, Jungwoo just says “Whatever. Pay attention now,” and hits play.

⛅

Thursday afternoon he finds himself on his way to the diner again. Jungwoo would swear his legs took him there without prior approval from his brain. The bell above his head is ringing already as he’s pushing into the door, when Jungwoo realizes he doesn’t really have an excuse for showing up.

Taeil walks up to him over his break as he always does when Jungwoo shows up during his shift, “What brings you here, Jungwoo?” taking off the apron he asks in his usual greeting, tone bright and light, fatigue finding its way into his features nevertheless.

I missed you, Jungwoo doesn’t say out loud this time for some reason. It’s become too real, too personal to be spoken, maybe.

“I’m hungry,” he offers with a fake, but hopefully, believable smile. “Believe it or not, I’m not here to rob you off your break again.”

Taeil scoffs, a little humored, shaking his head he pulls out his notes, “Let’s hear it then. What are you having tonight, sir?”

Taeil takes his order despite being on a break and before leaving Jungwoo’s table, he sends him a small, somewhat knowing smile. Jungwoo can’t help but averting his gaze, aware of a blush dusting his cheeks and ears, a wide smile lifting up the corners of his mouth, too. Taeil’s usual effect on him.

Once the food arrives - someone else brings it over, Jungwoo notices a note with Taeil’s scribbly handwriting where the bill would normally be placed. He sends a somewhat confused look in Taeil’s direction, who’s standing by the registers, Taeil smiles and gives him a nod before disappearing into the kitchen again.

Jungwoo untucks the note.  
_ Bill’s been paid by hyung. Enjoy your meal. Whatever your intentions, it’s always nice seeing a friendly face around, thanks for showing up! :D _

Even included an emoji. Jungwoo looks up again to make sure Taeil is nowhere in sight before folding the note with a sigh and putting it into his wallet.

It’s exactly stuff like this that makes Jungwoo’s heart malfunction when he’s around Taeil, when he’s thinking of him. It shouldn’t be legal to be this kind.

⛅

“Ice cream? We’ve just had lunch.” Jaehyun is putting away his assignment papers as they’re walking down the hallway from a lecture.

“Yeah! Today’s done already and everyone else is busy. Mark’s picked up this tutoring gig and Donghyuck is off to who-knows-where already. I think he’s gone from campus for this year. And everyone else is busy, you know, end of the year projects and shit, I don’t know.”

“I have practice at six,” Jaehyun muses, but it doesn’t sound like an excuse, more like he’s actually calculating if he has time to hang out. Then gives Jungwoo that full-dimple smile and nods, “Okay, let’s go!”

Jungwoo rejoices and hooks his elbow in Jaehyun’s, dragging him towards the exit faster, “I knew I could count on you!”

Jaehyun laughs as they’re exiting the building, “You’re a terrible distraction, you know that?”

Jungwoo laughs, a bit dry, “Hah, yeah, I’ve heard that before. Taeil-hyung says that when I come see him at work sometimes.”

⛅

It’s a calm Friday evening and Jungwoo is on his way from their weekly grocery runs with Taeil and Johnny. It’s the day Taeil gets his paycheck so he usually celebrates by getting the better groceries, fresh produce and good pastry. A very responsible way of celebrating, overly so, in Jungwoo’s opinion. But since it’s Taeil-hyung, he instead decided to join in on this tradition rather than ridiculing it.

Johnny halts them about halfway back to the campus, “Guys, hold up,” he starts with a whine, “I forgot the fruits again. Will you wait for me, or you going ahead?”

Jungwoo and Taeil look at each other, “I’ll wait up,” Jungwoo says.

“Yeah, we’ll wait for you,” Taeil adds, setting his bags on the curb already.

After Johnny hurries off back to the store, Taeil wordlessly takes out the snacks he’s bought and offers some to Jungwoo.

A few silent, somewhat tense yet calm moments later, Jungwoo speaks in an uncharacteristically small voice, “Hyung.”

Taeil’s attention is on him in a second. Jungwoo feels all choked up right away, Taeil is always so attentive, it’s sickening in a way.

“Jungwoo,” Taeil responds in a soft tone, encouraging him to speak.

Jungwoo takes a deep breath, there is not going to be a better opportunity than right here and right now, on one exhale he squeezes out of himself “Have I ever told you, you were the first person I fell in love with?” He looks up at Taeil, all bravery disappearing into the night air above them suddenly, “When we were kids. You were so cool, hyung. You still are” he finishes in a small voice. There’s more he wants to say, to make his point come across finally, but the words don’t make it past his vocal cords, stuck in his chest for now.

Taeil smiles, looking down the road, away from Jungwoo. Jungwoo is acutely aware of this. As always, Taeil’s voice is laced with the soft understanding smile of his, calmly reminiscing of their past. “You were a cute, affectionate kid. You had so many crushes.”

Jungwoo’s gaze drops to the ground, and so does his heart. Of course, Taeil would remember this, of course that’s what Taeil would mention; all of Jungwoo’s crushes in 9th and 10th grade, Jungwoo basically gushed about a different girl or boy every other week. It was nothing like what Taeil’s been to him his whole life, but Jungwoo has never had the correct words to explain that. He can’t find them even now, at 21.

⛅

He gets back to his dorm late that night, later than usually. After they got back to campus with Johnny and Taeil, Jungwoo made a detour through the campus, just walking his feet off, tiring himself out, until he couldn’t and wouldn’t think of Taeil anymore. 

Maybe it’s a sign, that he refuses to acknowledge Jungwoo’s feelings. Sign for Jungwoo from the high powers that he should stop trying. Sign from Taeil himself.

He knows a dead end when he sees one.

⛅

In the next few days a lot changes quite fast, yet it’s all happening as if in slow-motion. As if Jungwoo’s life was moving through water.

Saturday is a gloomy summer day, quiet drizzle peppering the pavement, the smell of an approaching thunderstorm already tangible in the air.

Jungwoo finds his way to Jaehyun’s dorm room with a bribe of snacks and some beer that he proudly shows off upon the door opening.

“You don’t need to bribe me to get me to hang out with you,” Jaehyun says with a playful smile from the doorway as he’s motioning for Jungwoo to get in.

“Roommate’s gone?” Jungwoo asks.

“Yeah, he’s gone back home for the summer already. Done with exams, lucky bastard,” Jaehyun pulls Jungwoo into the room, on his bed he’s already setting up his laptop for them to watch sitcom reruns on.

Halfway into an episode Jaehyun asks, “So, what’s up with you today?” They’ve both been mostly quiet, but Jungwoo’s been aware of Jaehyun watching him from the corner of his eye every now and then.

Jungwoo blinks back the surprise as he turns to Jaehyun, “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugs, sipping on his drink, perhaps to avoid Jungwoo’s eyes. “Everything you say today just doesn’t sound like you.”

That makes Jungwoo laugh. It feels nice, hearing himself laugh, cute yet evil cackle as Johnny and Taeil would call it. The laugh dies down in his throat immediately upon that thought. Pointing at his small smile he says, “What do you mean? I’m still speaking with the same mouth.”

Jaehyun’s eyes catch on Jungwoo’s lips for a long moment before he looks up back at him, “Yeah. No, I know. Just. I don’t know. You just seem to be, far away,” he smirks at Jungwoo a little as he rocks their shoulders together.

Jungwoo looks down at the edge of the bed at his own feet, head hung low. “You know what’s funny?” He gives Jaehyun space to respond to the rhetorical question. Jaehyun just bites at his bottom lip weakly, raising a questioning eyebrow. So Jungwoo continues, “It’s actually not very funny, it’s very, very dumb. Being always in the company of someone, friends even, people you like,” he looks at Jaehyun for a beat, hinting at him, “and feeling lonely. Kinda dumbly alone. Like, I have no right to feel this way, so I only end up feeling worse. Because guilt.” Jungwoo shrugs, again looks up at Jaehyun, “You know what I mean?”

Jaehyun’s gaze drops to Jungwoo’s lips again, just for a second, before he looks up again. “I do. I understand that better than I would like to.” Jungwoo finds familiar sadness in his eyes. 

They’re closer now, close enough for Jungwoo to feel Jaehyun’s breath on his cheek. Too close to keep looking up at each other. Close enough for Jaehyun to nudge Jungwoo’s nose with his. Close enough to fall into each other, into a kiss, soothing and slow.

The thunderstorm breaks somewhere far away. They can hear thunder every two minutes or so; everything seems awfully quiet and calm in comparison. Jaehyun’s laptop is flashing colors onto them and on the walls, faintly the tv show murmurs in the background as Jungwoo pulls Jaehyun closer, still exchanging small kisses. Neither of them seems eager to deepen the kiss and it’s enough.

Closeness and understanding, that’s what Jungwoo’s been after when he came to see Jaehyun. And ultimately, that’s what he’s getting.

By the end of the episode, they’re not kissing anymore. Jungwoo is laying with his cheek smushed against Jaehyun’s chest; they’re holding hands loosely, fingers somewhat intertwined, Jungwoo keeps playing with Jaehyun’s palm and Jaehyun lets him.

They don’t discuss the addition of kissing into their time spent together. Neither of them moves to kiss the other good night when Jungwoo is leaving, and that’s a relief.

Nothing else between them changes, though. They still text as always.

Jaehyun:  
lunch tmrrw?

Jungwoo:  
yes please!! ive been eating on my own in the cafeteria, makes me feel like a loser lmao

Jaehyun:  
u are a loser lol

Jungwoo:  
shut up.   
lets go for chinese by the grocery store out of campus tho? ;0;

Jaehyun:  
hahahh, whatever, sure. ur wish is my command and all that

Jungwoo:  
nice!!! >D

Jaehyun:  
...still a loser :P

⛅

At lunch on Sunday they find Taeyong and Johnny at the bistro, Jaehyun notices them first the moment as they walk in. He stops in his steps, startling Jungwoo a little. He looks at Jaehyun, following his line of sight. 

“Look,” Jungwoo starts.

“No, no, wait,” Jaehyun tries in a stage whisper, reaching for Jungwoo’s forearm.

“Johnny-hyung! Taeyong-hyung!” Jungwoo calls and is already walking over to them, wide smile on his face.

Johnny and Taeyong offer to share a table with them and Jungwoo accepts immediately, Jaehyun goes along with it with an awkward smile on his face. Jungwoo figures it’s because he doesn’t know Johnny and Taeyong that well. Plus, he’s a dork by nature.

The lunch though goes well, Johnny and Taeyong make a lot of small talk with Jaehyun and also Jungwoo. Jungwoo sits next to Taeyong, opposite Jaehyun; he watches Jaehyun being painfully awkward whenever his eyes meet Johnny’s. There’s this small, almost embarrassing laugh Jaehyun does when he’s nervous, Jungwoo also notices him wipe off his palms at his thighs several times throughout lunch.

“How come you two are still on campus?” Taeyong asks mid-chew, “Thought all freshmen and sophomores are gone already.”

“Just the freshmen, maybe,” Johnny pipes in, “Donghyuckie’s gone home already, hasn’t he?’

“Yeah,” Jungwoo adds, setting up his cutlery and napkin, glass of water - just to have something to do with his hands while he and Jaehyun wait for food, “Mark’s still on campus though. Boy’s busy.”

“Busy? Exams are over for him, aren’t they?” Taeyong asks.

“He’s tutoring some high schoolers in math and chem,” Jaehyun says.

Johnny and Taeyong both look at him, probably wondering how come he knows - wondering if Jaehyun and Mark are friends. Johnny actually speaks up and asks, “Markie’s your friend, too? Thought you only hung with Jungwoo here.”

Jaehyun looks down, pinching ends of a paper napkin between his fingers on the table and says, “Yeah, we get to hang out a little. Met him even before Jungwoo introduced us. Back in October when I was selling some freshman textbooks, so I knew him from before, briefly, but still.”

“You boys got history then,” Johnny says with a smile before focusing back on his food.

Jungwoo watches Jaehyun exhale deeply, it looks like his whole being is buzzing with nerves down to his fingertips. Jungwoo wonders what’s getting him so worked up.

Taeyong asks about their plans for the summer. They share their individual plans among them; Johnny’s going down to his grandparents’ place at the farm, as he does each year during holidays, Jaehyun is looking forward to a family vacation, meeting his dogs again, Taeyong is signed up as a chaperone for a summer camp. Jungwoo admits he doesn’t really have any plans yet. Will probably just hang out at home, staring into the ceiling a lot - he doesn’t mention the ceiling thing.

The conversation flows easily, Jungwoo sometimes glimpses Johnny side-eyeing Jaehyun with curious gaze, then catches Johnny’s eye who quickly starts digging around in his plate again, avoiding eye contact. Jungwoo finds it weird but doesn’t pay them much mind, both Jaehyun and Johnny have always been on the more awkward side after all.

They end up sharing also two portions of fried banana for dessert among them and over all, Jungwoo is glad he went out with Jaehyun today.

⛅

Back at Jungwoo’s the atmosphere is somewhat tense, though, as they’re laying out the snacks before continuing their usual Parks and Rec rewatch marathon.

Jaehyun breaks the tangible silence with a heavy sigh and a low grumble of something Jungwoo can’t make out.

“Come again?” Jungwoo prompts as they’re settling in his bed, maybe finding each other an inch or two closer than they would a few days ago, Jungwoo doesn’t even notice it.

“I said,” Jaehyun starts, some irritation dripping off his voice already, “Why did we have to sit with your friends?”

Jungwoo turns to him, playful smile on his lips, “What? You wanted it to be just the two of us? Like a date?” he wiggles his brow at Jaehyun.

Jaehyun shoves his shoulder, “Pfft, don’t be ridiculous. That ain’t it.” After a beat of watching Jungwoo’s curious face, he adds, “I promise.”

“What is it then?” Jungwoo asks through a small lopsided smile, teasing.

Jaehyun leans over, close enough to knock their foreheads together. “Don’t be nosy,” he says with an almost wicked smile.

Jungwoo pulls him in closer, hands at the nape of his neck, up in Jaehyun’s hair. The first kiss is soft and small, like the ones from last night. But over several moments, the kisses tonight grow in intensity just a notch, but it’s well noticeable. Jaehyun’s hands find their way under Jungwoo’s shirt, just fingertips at the sides, under the ribcage, barely touching skin. Jungwoo is the first to deepen the kiss, letting some heat get between them. Heat that’s been bubbling up under Jungwoo’s solar plexus for months now; he gratefully lets it escape from his system with Jaehyun’s help.

⛅

Monday finds Jungwoo and Jaehyun at the library. Right after his morning run, Jaehyun came to Jungwoo’s room, took a shower there and they spent under an hour simply making out before heading to the library together - Jaehyun needs to return his last books and Jungwoo needs to prepare for one more exam of this semester. Jaehyun’s a solid friend and ends up hanging around with Jungwoo while he works.

Jungwoo gives him a curious, humored look.

Jaehyun shrugs, “Just until I have to go to practice, I’ll get out of your hair in twenty or so.”

Jungwoo shakes his head, “Right, whatever. Just say you love spending time with me and let’s settle with that.”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Jaehyun nudges Jungwoo’s shin with his foot. After a second, he sighs, “But yeah, you’re okay, I guess.”

Jungwoo doesn’t even lift his gaze from his textbook, a smile on his lips betrays his tone though, “You’re not the worst yourself.”

Jaehyun busies himself with his phone and some games, tapping away with his thumbs furiously onto the screen. Judging by the tip of this tongue caught between his lips in concentration, the game is very taxing. Jungwoo finds it a bit comical, but doesn’t say anything, he’s just glad he has undemanding company while working on his notes.

After Jungwoo is done with about half a chapter, he gets up to stretch and get water.

Jaehyun quirks an eyebrow at him, “It’s been 12 minutes and you act like you’ve been sitting here for hours.”

Jungwoo puts down his now empty paper cup, “Well, it’s felt like hours, okay?”

Just in that moment Taeil enters the study hall, locking gazes with Jungwoo right away. The smile on Jungwoo’s face is an automatic reaction, “Hyung. Hi,” he says, a little breathless, when Taeil walks up to them.

“Hey,” Taeil’s face is all soft smiles and kind eyes and Jungwoo realizes he’s still missed him, despite everything. “You guys still have something to work on during exams?” Taeil asks, throwing a glance Jaehyun’s way as well, acknowledging his presence.

“Jungwoo’s working,” Jaehyun speaks up, “I’m just fucking around until I go to practice.” Jaehyun offers a small smile before his attention is back at his phone.

“Ah, I see,” Taeil’s response is obviously meant for Jungwoo - probably because Jaehyun singled himself out by playing games. “You have a lot to do, Jungwoo?”

“No, no. It’s okay,” Jungwoo’s voice is an octave higher from the sickly, happy strain. Not that he would be able to notice that himself. “Just taking notes from books that can’t be checked out. What about you, hyung? Are you suffering too much this exam season?”

Taeil looks at him, eyes lined with the laugh marks that’s been ever present on his skin since he was twenty. Jungwoo used to make fun of him for getting wrinkles so young, when in reality he liked the laugh lines - real proof of Taeil laughing plenty his whole life.

“Just finishing up exams in the next weeks. It’s the last exam period for me so I guess it has to be tough,” he shrugs with a weak smile.

“Right. Well, good luck then,” Jungwoo says and Taeil hums in response. 

Jungwoo is stalling, standing by the desk, not sitting down, not inviting Taeil to join them either. 

In just that moment Jaehyun stands up, “Well. I need to get to practice. Good to see you, Taeil-hyung.” He touches Jungwoo’s shoulder as he’s passing by them “See you after?”

Jungwoo nods, not really paying Jaehyun much attention, “Yeah, sure. See you.”

Jaehyun leaves and Taeil smiles a bit wider, but it might be just Jungwoo’s skewed point of view. “Can I join you?” Taeil motions to Jaehyun’s seat.

“Oh, right, of course, of course, sorry,” Jungwoo scrambles out of his way and quickly sits down in his own seat. They both work silently. Jungwoo feels weirdly warm, spending time with Taeil like this. He knows he’s been rejected and that still sucks. But maybe this is enough - sitting together and being in Taeil’s company. Maybe it’s not all just pain, maybe being in unrequited love can be nice, almost a neutral, quiet feeling.

After a few moments of working on his laptop, Taeil clears his throat, catching Jungwoo’s attention, “You and Jaehyun got really close.”

It’s a simple statement, sounds almost strict, and it takes Jungwoo aback a little. “Yeah. I guess,” he responds in a small voice, shrugging.

Taeil frowns into his laptop, not looking at Jungwoo anymore he says, “I don’t like him hanging around you so much.”

“What? Why’s that? Do you have a problem with him?” It sounds like a stupid question, everyone loves Jaehyun. Taeyong was straight up ready to adopt him the other day at lunch, and Jaehyun himself is a sweet kid. Jungwoo is out of his depths as to why would Taeil be saying that.

Taeil still doesn’t look at Jungwoo, which makes Jungwoo’s blood freeze in his veins for some reason. “Don’t you think he’s being weird?” He finally looks up at Jungwoo with that small worried frown of his and it makes Jungwoo’s stomach drop a little - he really doesn’t like where this is headed. Taeil shrugs, “I just think you should be careful. It seems to me like he’s only having fun with you.”

Jungwoo doesn’t school his face quickly enough, actually gives up hiding his emotions at this point. “And who says I’m just not having fun with him as well?” Something in Jungwoo makes him spew this at Taeil, no pretense of nothing between him and Jaehyun happening, no lies about being together, having something real.

Taeil sighs, closes his eyes for a second, probably collecting his usual cool. The cool Jungwoo’s learning to hate lately. “I just don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all.”

That makes Jungwoo scoff. “Oh, don’t you worry, hyung. I’ve got that elsewhere.” He doesn’t look at Taeil, keeps his eyes down and packs up his things quickly, “I need to go. Good luck with exams, yeah?”

Looking up at Taeil as he’s standing up, Jungwoo tries to smile, as he always would. But something deeply hidden is pulling right from his heart at the corners of his mouth. He exits the library quickly, dismissing Taeil’s worried look.

⛅

It's easy to get lost in the simple pleasures the time with Jaehyun provides. Jungwoo gets to clear his head, gets to not think of anything. Sometimes it's just kissing for a duration of one 40-minute episode on netflix or the time it takes to get pizza delivered. 

Sometimes it develops into more - Jungwoo on his back in Jaehyun's bed, t-shirt ridden up to his ribs, sweats and underwear pulled down to half his thighs. Jaehyun's hands touching him everywhere nice. Jungwoo lets his hands bury in Jaehyun's hair, keeping him close to his neck, where the kisses tickle just the right amount.

As Jungwoo feels his body tighten with the need for release, he's aware of his back arching off the mattress, his heavy breathing filling the room. He’s not aware of the words that are about almost spill from his lips.

"Fuck, I lov--," immediately he chokes back the rest of that statement because it's not for Jaehyun's ears to hear. Jungwoo cramps up; it's a different type of tight than he felt just moments before.

Jaehyun pulls away, spit glistering at his lower lip, hair all mussed up, hands ending up at Jungwoo's sides, thumbs caressing his skin gently, soothingly. He looks at Jungwoo with that pitying expression again.

Jungwoo averts his gaze, his eyes prick with tears threatening to spill.

"It's okay," Jaehyun's voice sounds almost fearful, like he's trying to persuade himself of it, first and foremost.

Jungwoo clears his throat, giggles - a panic response to almost crying, to the embarrassment. He reaches for Jaehyun again, pulls him into another kiss. Jaehyun's hands aren't on Jungwoo's crotch anymore, but he gives in to the kiss and that is good enough for Jungwoo for now. The kisses are small and slow, it’s a cool-down, as opposed to the frantic build-up to something else from moments ago.

Jaehyun pulls away again after a few moments, head ducked down, his fringe tickling Jungwoo's nose.

Jungwoo looks up at him, fingers brushing some light pink hair behind his ears, "Jaehyun?" he starts carefully, worried his mishap from before is still ringing ill in Jaehyun's ears.

Jaehyun looks up, locks gazes with Jungwoo, with eyebrows pulled together slightly he asks, "You're not in love with me, right?" The question is posed as a statement, as a thing to confirm. His voice is soft, Jungwoo's heart aches a little.

"We're not in love, Jaehyun." Jungwoo looks up at him. Rationally, there is nothing not to like about Jaehyun. He's sweet and a good kisser, makes Jungwoo laugh easily, likes the right amount of cuddling and doesn't demand more of Jungwoo's time than Jungwoo is willing to give him. Rationally, he should be perfect.

Jaehyun sighs, "I know. And I don't mind, I don't want us to be. I just think maybe we should stop fooling around when you’re clearly thinking of Taeil."

Jungwoo snorts a small, sad laugh, "That obvious?"

Jaehyun smiles a bit sadly, "I listen to you talk about him. I see the way you look at him," he frowns a little again, looking away from Jungwoo's face, "That lovesick puppy expression of yours. It would be cute if there wasn't real hurt underneath."

Jungwoo refuses to take those words in, unwilling to acknowledge what he’s known already. It hits different when someone else says it out loud. Instead, Jungwoo busies himself with pulling up his pants, making himself decent again. Then he looks up at Jaehyun, runs his fingers through the washed out pink, “You’re not in love with me, either.” Again, it’s a simple statement.

Jaehyun smiles a little sadly, “I think we both knew our hearts weren’t in it, huh?”

“Yeah. I guess that’s why it was possible for us both to go along with it. And maybe with different reasons, but I guess we’re even?” Jungwoo offers carefully.

Jaehyun’s cheeks show the small dimples as he smiles, averting his gaze sheepishly, “Maybe our reasons aren’t as different.”

Jungwoo’s eyes widen, curious smile on his lips; he sits up, pushing Jaehyun backwards also into sitting position, “Spill.”

Jaehyun bites his lower lip, “You’re not the only guy on campus with a crush, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure, come on, you can tell me,” Jungwoo pokes Jaehyun’s side, tickling him a little.

“Geez, okay, okay, stop,” Jaehyun laughs, catching both of Jungwoo’s wrists with his hands, still straddling Jungwoo’s lap, restricting almost all movement if he wanted “You’re a monster, you know that?” Jaehyun starts. After a beat he gives in, “I like someone you know.”

Jungwoo smirks up at him, wiggling his brows he asks, “Someone I know?” When Jaehyun’s features don’t betray more clues, Jungwoo goes on, “Not Mark, right? I know you guys got close but… Mark’s a taken boy, and happily so, I would think.”

“Gods, no no, it’s not Mark.” Jaehyun is looking down at Jungwoo’s hands, releases his wrists and lets his fingers intertwine with Jungwoo’s lightly. It’s obvious he’s stalling, playing with Jungwoo’s fingers instead of spilling secrets.

“Taeyong, then?” Jungwoo presses on. “You know he’s starting to get close to Doyoung, right? I think he’s got on tunnel vision only for Doyoung, too.”

Jaehyun sighs. “It’s not Taeyong, okay?” And in a smaller voice he adds, “It’s Johnny. I like Johnny.”

Jungwoo startles and ends up cackling, whole body shaking with laughter. He’s not really trying to hide his amusement. “Johnny?” Only upon seeing Jaehyun’s face which doesn’t indicate the confession was a joke, Jungwoo softens his tone, “Johnny, really? But he’s so… clumsy. And kinda basic.”

Jaehyun just gives him a look and whines, “Don’t judge, okay?”

Jungwoo smiles wider, squeezes Jaehyun’s fingers, “I’m not!” And then in an overly sweet tone he adds, “I’ll help you out, too.”

Jaehyun makes a face, “Ugh, please, don’t.”

Jungwoo just laughs more, and Jaehyun joins in; time with Jaehyun has always been so easy, simple, it makes Jungwoo feel strangely warm on the inside. He’s hopeful their days aren’t up. In a small voice he asks, “Despite what happened, or rather - what isn’t happening between us, we’re still friends, right?”

“Of course. I’d love nothing more.”

After this day, their friendship doesn’t change. Just how nothing’s really changed when they introduced kissing into their routine, nothing changes as they take it away, either. Jungwoo is thankful.

⛅

“Taeyong texted,” Jungwoo informs Jaehyun upon meeting up for dinner at the cafeteria one day. He got the text just seconds before coming up to him.

“Yeah? Okay. And? Why are you saying it like I’m in trouble?” Jaehyun asks, obviously taken aback by Jungwoo’s tone.

Jungwoo pockets his phone on their way to the meal pick-up, “No, no. Listen. Taeyong has these small sleepovers sometimes. Just few of us, close circle, you know.”

“Okay,” Jaehyun says, putting some of the chicken salad and side dishes onto his tray.

“I want you to come this time!” Jungwoo says, wide smile on his lips.

“Uh, you just said it’s close circle or whatever. So that’s a pass, I’m not a charity case.”

“Shut up. None of that. It’s why I mentioned he texted. Taeyong asks if you’d like to join,” Their gazes meet as they pick up their trays on their way to look for a table, “I guess you’re family now.”

Jaehyun stops in his step for half a beat, “Huh.” Catching up again with Jungwoo he asks, “Who else is gonna be there, then?”

As they’re sitting down in the corner of the cafeteria, Jungwoo counts, “Well, it’s usually Johnny-hyung, Taeil-hyung, Mark, Donghyuck and me. And Taeyong, obviously. It’s his place after all.”

“So it’s more or less a full house already. You sure there is place for me?”

Jungwoo points a fork at him, some noodles dangling dangerously off the edge, “First of all, yes, there is a place for you. Second of all, Donghyuck’s back home already and Taeil-hyung has something with his class this weekend. Some camping trip, last hurrah of the graduating class and whatnot, you know.”

Jaehyun munches on a piece of chicken, “Hm, I see. Well, I guess I’m in, then,” he says with a smile, finally the dimples making an appearance on his face.

Jungwoo gives him a thumbs up, mouth full of food in that moment.

“Listen,” Jaehyun speaks up after a while, “Do you think Taeyong would be happy to see Doyoung there as well? I figured you could ask him if I can bring him with me? Dunno, say that I’ll be more comfortable with someone I know or whatever.”

Jungwoo’s smile changes into something smaller and more wicked, “You want to play match-making, Jung Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun shrugs, pretending innocence, “They’re into each other, but their emotional constipation is a bit painful for everyone involved, and not involved - namely, me. Maybe another excuse to spend time together will do them good. Based on what Doyoung’s said in between the lines, I know for certain they’ve been texting. But I don’t think they’ve seen each other since the showcase thing. And that’s been weeks ago. I’m tired in their stead, you know?”

Jungwoo looks at him with awe, “I had no idea you had this in you. Such scheming. I love it! Yes, let’s do it.”

⛅

Jungwoo turns up at Taeyong’s place with Jaehyun and Doyoung in tow. Doyoung’s face lights up like a Christmas tree when Taeyong welcomes them in. Seeing that, Jungwoo shares a smile with Jaehyun.

There is a stack of pizza and cartons of ice cream waiting for them to dig in, also some drinks. Just gin with a generous amount of orange juice; as Taeyong says to _ not have the kids knocked out right away _, while it’s common knowledge Taeyong is the biggest lightweight of them all.

The board game they’re playing isn’t fair at all, or at least that’s how Jungwoo sees it because he’s losing. Johnny makes fun of him for being a sore loser, everyone laughs and Jungwoo pouts harder.

After Doyoung wins the game, they decide to prepare for the first movie. Mark and Jungwoo go gather the snacks and prepare more drinks.

“Taeyong-hyung looks happy you brought Doyoung,” Mark says as he’s fetching the alcohol from the fridge.

Jungwoo scoffs a small laugh, “Yeah, he seems to be enjoying tonight.” He looks back at Mark, hesitates for a moment before he gather the courage and asks, “Hey, listen. Don’t you wanna share with the group how you and Donghyuck got together, by the way?”

Mark smiles, “Not with the group, no, but I can tell you, hyung, sure.” He lowers his voice, always has been on the more private side. “So, what do you wanna know?”

Jungwoo shrugs, “Dunno, just. How did you go from being best friends to being… together?”

Mark nods, focusing, as if he had to think hard about this, “So, I knew I was into him since the day he came out to me, it all just became painfully clear almost instantly. I stayed put, though. Cause that’s what you do when you’re a self-conscious 19-year old, apparently," Mark rolls his eyes at his own previous incompetence. "One day, Donghyuck says he likes me, in that obnoxious Donghyuck kind of way of his, you know how he is,” he huffs out a small laugh. “He meant it as a joke, that was obvious. But that’s when I confessed, just told him I liked him back, turned out he liked me for real as well,” with a shrug Mark looks up at Jungwoo. “And we just decided to become boyfriends, nothing’s much changed, really, other than I actually get to kiss him now,” he laughs a little to himself, “We’re kinda just testing things right now. But I got a good feeling about it.”

Jungwoo can see the sincere smile on his face, “I’m glad it’s working out for you, Markie.”

⛅

“Anyone seen Taeyong?” Johnny asks sitting back down next to Jaehyun on the ground right before the movie. They're all back for the scheduled programming, minus Taeyong and Doyoung.

“They’re off with Doyoung somewhere,” Jungwoo says, not even looking up from his phone.

“Oh, hyung’s got game then?” Jaehyun asks and all three of them burst out laughing.

“Taeyong?” Johnny asks, barely managing through the laughing fit, “God, no. That nerd is probably showing Doyoung his butterfly collection or something.”

“Hyung collects butterflies?” Mark asks, “I thought it was just bugs. I feel like it’s bugs.” He says, as if reassuring himself that he remembers correctly.

“No, no. I’m pretty sure Taeyong-hyung wouldn’t collect dead animals. Doesn’t sound like him. Wasn’t it pressed flowers, though?” Jungwoo squints at nothing in particular on the wall, trying to open his mind-eye to see into his memories better. “I’m pretty sure it was flowers, you guys,” he says after a moment. “I have this vague memory of an album. You wouldn’t put bugs into a book. Right?” He asks in Mark’s direction, Mark simply shrugs his shoulders, shaking his head slightly.

“And does it even matter?” Johnny asks a bit exasperated, rolling his eyes. Jungwoo notices he sits really close to Jaehyun, while there is plenty of free space on the couch now that Taeyong and Doyoung left, Jaehyun looks a little tense beside him, but also there’s a small nervous smile on his lips. “Important is they’re bonding. Whether it’s over dead insects or dead flowers, I don’t really give a fuck. Let’s play the damn movie, who knows when those two will turn up.”

⛅

“So, what’s your plan?” Jungwoo asks once they’re alone in the kitchen with Jaehyun, getting ready another round of snacks.

Jaehyun looks at him like Jungwoo just told him he was sure the Earth was flat. “Get these donuts out of the package and serve them on this tray? Are you okay?”

“You two are almost as bad as Doyoung and Taeyong. With Johnny-hyung!” seeing Jaehyun’s quizzical expression, Jungwoo clarifies, rolling his eyes, “He’s obviously into you. I wasn’t paying much attention before you told me you liked him, to be honest. He’s a dork, but he’s so, so clearly making a move on you.”

Jaehyun stops his movements, looks at Jungwoo a bit funny, “He is?”

Jungwoo groans, “Oh my god. You’re impossible. Please do us all a favor and tell him you need a minute alone with him, then please, please for the love of anything that’s dear to you, ask him out?”

Jaehyun is very obviously avoiding eye contact with Jungwoo as he’s busying himself with arranging the donuts on the tray. Jungwoo can see the dimple in his cheek, betraying the satisfied smile on his face.

During the second movie, Jungwoo sits in the corner of the couch, wrapped in a light blanket. More than the movie, he’s watching his friends. Mark is sitting at the opposite side of the couch, feet tucked under himself, phone in hand, every few minutes typing something for a bit - Jungwoo would guess he’s texting Donghyuck. Trying not to let the sudden small, but real, fit of jealousy eat away at him, he focuses on Taeyong and Doyoung, sitting next to each other, some polite distance between them. On the ground, Johnny and Jaehyun sit closer together than before. When Johnny leans into Jaehyun’s space to whisper something to him, Jaehyun surprisingly doesn’t freeze up this time.

Jungwoo sighs before turning his focus to the dracaena and its shadows on the wall by the tv screen instead. It’s better not to compare his situation with theirs. Mark and Donghyuck are together, a joke confession turned into a real one for them. Jungwoo’s confessions never worked out, jokes or real ones. And maybe that’s okay. Not every set of best friends is Mark and Donghyuck. All Jungwoo can do now is hope that he’ll be able to be Taeil’s best friend again at some point.

⛅

As they’re all taking turns in the bathroom late that night before sleep, Jaehyun runs into the bathroom as Jungwoo is brushing his teeth, “I did it! I mean - he did!”

“Hey! Can’t you wait until I’m done?” Jungwoo rinses his mouth frowning. Then looks up at Jaehyun who is smiling wide and stupid. “What did you say? Who did what now?”

Jaehyun goes on a rampage immediately while Jungwoo flosses his teeth. “Johnny-hyung! He asked if we can talk outside. So I went, right? And I thought this was like a sign from the above powers that I’m supposed to ask him out - just like you said, yeah? But he beat me to it,” Jaehyun runs a hand through his hair, leaving it a mess, shoulders shaking with laughter, “Can’t believe it. We’re actually going on a date on Tuesday. Isn’t that totally wack? I mean, I’ve had a crush on him for months and today I learn he’s liked me since the party where I met you? How crazy is that?”

“Very crazy, Jaehyun. Totally unbelievable and surprising. Can you leave now? I wanna wash up.”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes, “Not like I haven’t seen you naked, asshole, but okay. Just thought you’d be happy for me, that’s all.” 

He’s about to leave, hand on the door knob when Jungwoo stops him with a palm to his shoulder, searches for his eyes, “Hey, Jaehyun. I am happy for you. You deserve a shot at this, you both do.”

Jaehyun smiles, all sweet, “Thanks.”

⛅

For the last lunch with everyone on the campus they take things outdoors, one of the big white picnic tables outside of the cafeteria seats up to ten people, so finally they have a spot for everyone with Doyoung and Jaehyun joining them now. Even Donghyuck made it back to campus for this weekend, to help Mark pack up and get his things back home.

Johnny raises his can of soda and stands up, “A toast!” he’s looking at Taeil at the other end of the table, Taeil shakes his head a little with an embarrassed laugh, “A toast to Taeil-hyung who finally finished all his remaining college related bullshit that’s been holding him back from real life pleasures. Only thing left is the graduation ceremony for hyung. Where I hope I’ll see every one of you,” he looks around their group. “To Taeil-hyung!” They all cling their drinks above the table with a loud cheers.

Taeil looks around at his friends, “It’s really more of a family affair, the graduation ceremony,” he tries in a careful voice.

“Are we not family, then?” Johnny challenges with a smile on his lips, teasing.

Taeil rolls his eyes in an exaggerated manner, “You know that’s not what I meant.” After a beat, he adds in a calm voice, “Of course you can come. I'll be happy to see you there.” Jungwoo’s and Taeil’s gazes meet for a second and Jungwoo can notice the careful small smile meant just for him. It makes him feel a little more settled, a little more at ease somehow.

⛅

It doesn’t come as a surprise to see Johnny and Jaehyun sitting next to each other. Jungwoo spares them a glance or two throughout the lunch but otherwise tries to keep his focus on his food, keeping up a lighthearted conversation with Mark and Donghyuck about their plans for the summer, their upcoming sophomore year and such.

It’s been a few days since Johnny’s and Jaehyun’s first date, and from Jaehyun’s behavior Jungwoo could assume they’ve at least kissed. His behavior - namely, Jaehyun shared everything with Jungwoo about the first date, kept updating him on their (in Jungwoo’s opinion) terrible texting flirting techniques in the following days, too. 

Then suddenly Jaehyun stopped. The last ‘update’ Jungwoo got was _ Going with Johnny to get groceries _, and since then nothing. So Jungwoo assumes their relationship feels more private to him now, which is good, Jungwoo thinks. Something feels heavy in his guts at the thought, though. He tries to dispel it, it’s an ugly feeling - a seed of jealousy taking root.

The conversations around the table range from exam period horror stories (Doyoung forgot about one whole exam and ended up with only one night to study for it, got a C, so that was a success in the end), some achievements (Taeyong’s final paper on hydraulics should get published alongside other student essays and papers in a local tech mag), and everyone’s plans for the summer.

“You going to see your grandparents again this year, Johnny-hyung?” Mark asks. “Help out with the goats and stuff?”

“It’s sheep, but yeah. I’ll go for almost the whole summer. Will get my work out and farmer tan again.” Johnny reaches under the table, in that moment Jaehyun’s eyes shoot up to him and a dimpled smile appears on his face, “Also, this year,” Johnny looks at Jaehyun, happiness written in his features, “I guess Jaehyunie will come see me for some time.”

Donghyuck wolf-whistles and Jaehyun ducks his head in embarrassment before he smiles up at Johnny sheepishly. 

Oh, Jungwoo thinks, they do move quite fast. The dangerous small seed of jealousy from before sprouts to life in his chest and his eyes glaze over, a lump he seems to be unable to swallow takes place in his throat.

It’s stupid. He knows Jaehyun and Johnny are together. And he’s happy for them. So why does he feel like crying? It makes no sense and it’s stupid. He is stupid.

For reasons Jungwoo refuses to acknowledge in that moment, he’s unable to function among everyone there. He knows he needs to leave. Autopilot takes over as he stands up, everyone’s attention at him all of a sudden, which only makes the matters worse.

“I. I need to go. To, to water a plant,” is the dumbest excuse he could have come up with, Jungwoo doesn’t even own any plants. He tries not to look at anyone at the table, but Jaehyun catches his gaze for a second; Jungwoo can see the worried expression and it makes his gut queasy and heart heavy. He needs to leave. And so he does.

No one tries to stop him, everyone exchanges confused glances among each other and that’s that. Or, that’s what Jungwoo thinks that happens, he basically speed-walks towards the cafeteria building.

What really happens is that Taeil’s face falls in a sickened worry, he shoots a somewhat annoyed frown in Johnny’s and Jaehyun’s direction before he wordlessly follows Jungwoo. 

Taeil catches up with him just behind the corner, by the main entrance of the cafeteria. It’s lunch time, plenty of people are milling around here. 

Taeil catches his wrist, making him turn back to him, “Jungwoo.” His voice is a little breathless, eyes worried and the laugh marks around them are underlining the distress now. Jungwoo hates it, so he averts his gaze.

Taeil’s fingers don’t leave Jungwoo’s skin on his wrist, Jungwoo can feel his own pulse picking up slightly. “Jungwoo, it’s okay if you’re upset.” Taeil's voice is soft, careful and kind. And Jungwoo is sick of it, sick with it.

"Hyung,” he looks up at Taeil for a moment before again dropping his eyes to the ground. “You don't even know why I'm upset."

"Well, I figured because Johnny and Jaehyun-"

"It's not Jaehyun, hyung,” Jungwoo shakes his head. “I don't care about that. I mean. I do care, but I'm happy for them."

Taeil lets go of his hand, with an actually surprised tone he says, "Oh, I thought, well, I saw you looking at them and then you stood up, looking all upset and then you ran away."

Jungwoo looks up at him, something akin to a challenge or some remnants of playfulness shine in his eyes. "Okay, first of all. I didn't run. I briskly walked off."

"Having legs that long, it might as well count as running." Taeil mirrors the weak smile on Jungwoo’s face, it helps the small bubble of laughter in Jungwoo’s chest escape. He doesn’t try to silence it. Taeil joins in, it feels good, simply having fun together. At least for a moment.

"Second of all,” Jungwoo continues, “Seeing them together didn't make me upset," he tries not to pout as he's saying it.

"It didn't?" Taeil's voice is curious.

Jungwoo shakes his head. "I mean, it did, but not for reasons you're imagining." In a smaller voice he goes on, "And I don't think you'd wanna comfort me if you understood the real reason."

"Try me."

"Huh?" Jungwoo looks up, eyes big.

"Try me, Kim Jungwoo," Taeil’s frowning now, determination on his face. "It's a very bold assumption to think that there is anything I wouldn't wanna comfort you about."

"Hyung…"

"Once you're upset of course I wanna make it better, Jungwoo."

Jungwoo shakes his head, tone sad, "You can't fix everything, hyung."

"Let me try?" Taeil pleads.

Sometimes, the frustration gets the better of Jungwoo "But I did,” he spits a bit sharper than he means to. “For weeks I've been trying to convey the message to you, but you simply played deaf whenever I tried."

"Jungwoo," Taeil takes a step towards him.

"I'm tired, hyung,” Jungwoo’s voice drops to a strained whisper. “You never listen to me when I try to show you- You just never listen." He takes a deep breath, a shuddering exhale escapes his lips, in a quivering tone he adds, "I'm just tired, Taeil-hyung."

“I know,” Taeil is close, looking up at Jungwoo, searching his eyes. “I know, Jungwoo. Hyung’s been insensitive, right?”

Jungwoo looks at him, unable to read his face properly. 

Taeil sighs, looking aside he takes a deep breath, after gathering the courage, again looks up at Jungwoo - probably can see the tears that desperately cling to Jungwoo’s lower lashes, “Let me apologize, Jungwoo.”

“Hyung?” It doesn’t make sense.

“If you give me a chance, that is. Then I’ll also give you another chance to say what you’ve wanted to say. And I’ll listen this time.”

Jungwoo just nods, nothing is making sense.

Taeil reaches out for Jungwoo’s hand again, this time just hooks two fingers with his. “You said that I was the first person you’ve ever fallen in love with. I knew this. And it was scary. You’ve liked me since I left for college, whole five years ago, right?”

Jungwoo laughs weakly, “That’s embarrassing, hyung.” After a beat, he admits, “But, yeah, it’s been a long time.”

“And I didn’t know,” Taeil stops himself mid-sentence, desperate to get all the words out of himself right away. Jungwoo knows that feeling. “I didn’t know if I could allow myself to like back someone so young. But it wasn’t just that. You were young, yes, but also, you were my best friend, Jungwoo.” Taeil laughs at the memory. “Did you know Johnny used to make fun of me for having a toddler for a best friend? That’s what he called you even though you were sixteen.”

Jungwoo doesn’t want to interrupt him, so he keeps the responses to the rhetorical questions to himself.

“I was scared of fucking us up. If I gave in and indulged you - it could ruin what we had. And Jungwoo, your friendship was everything to me. Even during the years I was in college and you were still in high school. I was terrified of fucking you up. You were so young, Jungwoo,” he repeats himself.

“I am not sixteen anymore, hyung.” Jungwoo offers carefully.

“I know that,” Taeil looks off to the side. “But, just as I was starting to realize that for myself, when I started giving myself permission to really see you that way, that was when you started hanging out with Jaehyun. And I figured you deserved that - a chance to fall in love with someone else, to grow out of your adolescent infatuation.”

“We were never like that with Jaehyun,” Jungwoo interrupts. “I just want you to know he didn’t, like, cheat on me with Johnny-hyung or something. We weren’t anything with Jaehyun.” Taeil’s puzzled look prompts Jungwoo to clarify, “I mean, we had fun together for a few days, then called it off and just went back to being friends. He’s a good guy, I promise.”

Taeil smiles to himself. “Okay, I trust you. Maybe I should apologize to him for being so hostile at first.”

Jungwoo laughs a little, “I wouldn’t encourage him to get together with Johnny-hyung if he were bad news.”

“I know,” Taeil says softly.

“Hyung?”

Taeil looks up at him, eyes curious, looking for the hurt in Jungwoo’s face probably, not finding many traces anymore.

“My turn, yeah?”

“If you accepted my apology,” Taeil says with a nod.

Jungwoo takes a deep breath, “Right. Taeil-hyung,” he takes a better hold of Taeil’s hand, holding him palm against palm, Taeil’s lips spread into a smile that Jungwoo’s face reflects, “As you said, I’ve liked you since I was a kid, basically. I never stopped liking you like that, but in recent year or so it grew into more. I realized I don’t wanna just daydream about you anymore. I want to experience the things with you that I’ve always just imagined.”

“You daydreamed about us?” Taeil says teasingly.

Jungwoo bursts out laughing for a bit, embarrassed, “Don’t be mean, hyung.”

“I would never be mean to you,” Taeil says, tone soft as he caresses the back of Jungwoo’s palm with his thumb, “not for real at least.”

“I know.”

“So? What did you daydream for us?”

Jungwoo ducks his head, “It’s embarrassing.” Then looks back up at Taeil, challenge in his eyes, none in his voice though, “And I think I can only tell you once you give me a response finally.” Determination finds its way into his tone again, “Taeil-hyung, I like you. So much. I like you a lot. In a different way than I like Johnny-hyung or Taeyong-hyung. I like you in a way I think I can only ever like you.”

Taeil laughs a bit, all awkward and almost shy. Jungwoo’s smiling down at him, slightly holding his breath without realizing.

“I like you, too. I like you a lot actually. When you started hanging out with Jaehyun, and I thought you liked him - one part of me wanted you to really like him, I wanted you to experience someone being into you like that. But another part of me realized that I wanted it to be me. I was so jealous, Jungwoo. I was just lucky I was busy with finals, otherwise I’d go crazy. Then I saw Jaehyun hang out with Mark one day and my head made this ugly persona for him, without any justification; homewrecker and a cheater. I simply didn’t like him and needed a reason for it. So I made it myself.” Taeil looks off to the side, sighing. “That’s when I realized I liked you - that I wanted to give you a chance. Give us a chance. But I thought I missed my opportunity, opportunity that’s been waiting for me for years and it slipped out. Just like that.”

Jungwoo smiles down at him, “You really need to apologize to Jaehyun, hyung.”

“I know. I will.” They both take a step closer almost at the same time. Taeil squeezes Jungwoo’s hand, smiling up at him, “Now you tell me what you daydreamed about us.”

Jungwoo laughs, big and embarrassed, “Hyung! Come on. It’s embarrassing.”

“I know. So you said. I still wanna hear it.” Taeil says.

Biting his lower lip, Jungwoo ducks his head a little, feeling a blush creeping up his neck and cheeks, “For the most part, it was just being able to call you mine. Getting to hold your hand. Getting to hold you and hug you, and not have you belittle it to friendly affection,” Jungwoo finishes in a small voice.

Taeil reaches out to touch Jungwoo’s cheek, brushes some of the hair behind his ear, it falls forward again, but it’s the touch that counts right now. “I’m sorry I kept pushing you away. I won’t anymore, I promise.”

Jungwoo steps even closer, he can feel Taeil’s body heat on him, “I’ve also always wanted to kiss you.”

“Then maybe you should,” their voices are a mere whisper, but it’s enough. They’re so close anything else would sound disruptive.

“And then also keep kissing you,” Jungwoo’s eyes are on Taeil’s lips, they’re standing so close he could count his freckles.

“Maybe you should do that, too,” Taeil says before he pulls Jungwoo down, palm behind his ear.

The kiss is clumsy, because they take turns in smiling like fools, laughing into each other. Eventually, Jungwoo ends up with his arms slung around Taeil’s shoulders, Taeil’s palms against the small of Jungwoo’s back, keeping him close.

Jungwoo’s kissed people before. His friends and boyfriends and flings. But none of those people were Taeil. This is the first real kiss he wants to remember. It’s a sunny Saturday, early afternoon, right in front of the cafeteria entrance and he’s kissing the only boy he’s ever loved.

“Taeil-hyung?” Jungwoo pulls away after what feels like forever. “This is not a childish crush, Taeil-hyung. I’m in love with you,” he says with the biggest smile on his face.

Taeil smiles up at him before he pecks his lips again, “I’m in love with you, too. Now keep kissing me, Kim Jungwoo,” he says and Jungwoo obliges happily.

⛅

**Author's Note:**

> thanks a lot for reading this! leave comments to feed the writer


End file.
